It just goes on...and on...

Written exactly 2 months ago:

"This blog has turned into a once a month-ish kind of thing rather than my first goal of once per week... and you know... I'm not even upset.

I do not feel particularly provoked to write on any certain topic for today... I suppose that I can just ramble on like I usually do, but I'm not sure what that ramble will turn out to be. But, a ramble can just ramble... not like a rant on any subject. Just tons of nonsense that flows from my brain into my little fingers that clack away at this keyboard. I'm currently at work, and while I don't think that this is a very constructive work activity, it is quite early in the morning and I am merely doing this so that I do not fall asleep. I think that falling asleep is far worse than typing up a new blog post.
This morning, my mom came in and woke me up because I had forgotten to reset my alarm from the weekend... which was very fortunate because I have to leave the house at 5:50am in order to get to work in a timely manner and obey all traffic laws. When I am speeding sometimes, I get this sweat where I nervously think of ways I could talk myself out of a ticket, but then I always say to myself, "Excuses are stupid. Just stop driving like you can afford a ticket." Which I think is completely true. If you're late you're late. Technically, I could afford a ticket... but, c'mon. Really. Why bruise my clean driving record (for the last 2 years anyway)? Why cause a dent in my checking account? Why risk talking to some jerk cop who doesn't care about your good attendance at work? So, as you see, I have this little argument in my head about why I feel justified in breaking the law combating why I really don't want to be. I don't think that sentence grammatically made sense... meh.
So, lately, I decided that being done with dating would be a good idea. Maybe. I go back and forth quite a bit; I can't really seem to decide for sure on that subject. Going out on a few dates would be good to just stay fresh and not become too awkward? But then, I'm forcing myself to endure something that I may or may not be excited about. So far, I can only remember one really fun date that I've been on where the company was enjoyable, the activity was delightful, and the food was pretty much something that made my day... the rest of the dates from the beginning of this year have been epic... in a somewhat...creepy? way? I don't think that I'll post anything specific as I do believe there needs to be a lot of tact practiced in the social media world; but, if we've been friends for a while and get together and chat like friends do... you know exactly how my dating experiences have been. Here's to dating to date and to do something fun and to get to know people because you feel like you have to... sometimes. Cheers! hahahaha...
Am I allowed to say that? Pay no mind... I'm sure that when I meet someone I'm thoroughly interested in I'll be much more motivated and pleased with the dating scene.
It's 7:12am, on June 7, 2010... and I forgot to take my thyroid medication and also have been forgetting to take my multi-vitamin so my nerves are inflaming. Ouch. I used to think I was having a heart attack. But no. It's my nerves. It would be cool if I could compose word documents by just thinking the words.. and then they would magically appear. How AWESOME would that be? I'm pretty excited for that day to come... it would be a whole lot easier to compile something like this by just thinking what you wanted to write. Maybe it will look like a pair of eyeglasses that you put on and it can sense your brain wave and you can control things with your mind... hmmmm. That could be a really bad thing too...
Right now... I have to wonder if people wonder about how they begin to wonder about things and if they try to trace their train of thoughts when they are thinking about the things that they think about when they realize they are thinking... because I do. Maybe I'm a looney and need to be committed... but I think it's fascinating to examine my thoughts. Thoughts are things that come from a person's soul and determine one's true character I think... As you can see... my thoughts are about silly things. Thus I am Silly Lily. Who doesn't know that... Anyway, my next thought in addition to this was how changing your thoughts changes YOU. You are what you think... and eat. I wonder if babies have thoughts in a language? Or if everything is really basic and anything that is processed in their little heads is solely from sensations? Like the times when you stub your toe and all you can really "think" about is "AaahhhOoouuueeeeeeee!" hm.
There's a song stuck in my head right now... and I know that everyone in the world knows what it is... except for the orphans that are in obscure 3rd world countries... I don't think they were ever introduced to it... or will be any time soon. It goes like this, "This is the song that never ends..." and you know the rest :) I kind of feel like that's how this blog is... it just goes on and on my friends. You all started reading it not knowing what it was... and you'll continue reading it forever just because...
I think people become unhappy because they get too focused on one aspect in their lives and let it consume them. One of my favorite things ever said was, "When your life has become unhappy, you have become self-centered." (President Goodsell of the Manila Stake in Pleasant Grove, UT) I like to think about this when I find myself in a downward spiral of self talk. Having a negative attitude never promoted anyone in a good direction. Scott Miller, my supervisor at work, shared with me a new way of thinking. He gave me a copy of a book by Earl Nightingale which I found very refreshing. Earl states, "Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitude and expectations." I guess that's really fitting for my thought process... but I like it a lot.
While sitting here, I've deducted that I need to get more sleep. The head bobble action is getting mildly ridiculous... I may even begin to drool over the keyboard if I'm not provoked to stay awake by some stimulating activity... Lunch break will occur in approximately 1 hour.... it is now 9:38am.
My cute, darling, wonderful, exceptional, smart, loyal, helpful, awesome, gorgeous friend Ashlee and I have decided to take a vacation for my 21st birthday... I suppose being away from Utah and doing something fun will take my mind away from the fact that all the days are shorter and I'm getting older... that's aside from the point... ish. Should we... take a cruise? Be lazy on a beach in California? Do the Hawaii thing in Kauai? Do NYC? Seattle? Chicago? Vegas? Too bad I'm super indecisive... and wanting something very low budget. Woof.
OH! My goodness... I can't believe I've forgotten all about my most recent trips! For the Memorial Day weekend, Whitney, Beckie, and I trekked down to St. George to run the Midnight 5k, and then shop some of the outlets and hike Angel's Landing at Zion's National Park. It was a very physically productive weekend! The Quads were singing for about 4 days...
And then, MERISSA GOT MARRIED! I was deemed Maid of Honor because I was the only bridesmaid that came to the rehearsal... "

Time... flies!

Is it embarrassing that I have not blogged in over a month? I admit that finding time to do so has not been a priority. However, it is needed now that I discovered there are people that actually read this...
End of March: I was released from my calling as a Gospel Doctrine teacher... and am now serving in the Relief Society presidency as 2nd counselor. I'm still learning, but so far, I have really enjoyed the change, even if I haven't realized the amount of responsibility it is.
April: I do not remember very much about April... other than studying more than ever before and trying to practice huge amounts of discipline as far as studying went. I did succeed in doing so though. My report card this semester was much more pleasing than expected.I purchased the most adorable black and tan, long-haired, miniature dachshund... and settled on the name Allie. I will publish more about her in my next post... there's just too much to say about her to condense her to one paragraph! I'm sufficed to say that she is the best baby. She slept through the whole night her first night, and continues to do so. Love. Best little baby dog ever.
When I began writing this post over a week ago, I had though to bring everything up to speed as if I had faithfully kept updating every week as I had done so initially... but, in honesty, I do not remember everything that has happened to me in the last month.

May has been splendid! Although the weather has been less than agreeable lately, I did manage to get a sunburn last week! It has turned into a very, very, very, very, very faint tan line. You know what this means? There's hope! I will not be a sickly pail person all my life. I am capable of gaining some sun color. It's just one of those small miracles that I am thoroughly thankful for.

Something else that's exciting about this month are the vacations that I am taking. Right now, I am sitting at Gate B7 waiting to board my flight to Denver for my lovely cousin, Danielle's wedding. She and her soon-to-be husband are probably one of the most adorable couples that I have ever seen, and are also a brilliant testament of how Destiny works upon us... well, we'll see about me...I'm wondering if it's selective against me.

and of course I'm joking. Life has been nothing but good to me!

In two weeks, I'll be driving my little self down to St. George to re-try the 5k thing. I'm really excited about this particular race though, because I am far more prepared as I have been running much, much more in anticipation! It will be at midnight under the full moon as well=all the makings of the best 2nd try to finish.

Other vacations that I would like to take? I would love to see Chicago again, California again, and maybe even revisit Denver after this trip, go see Mo and JD in TN, take a little Twilight tour of Washington and stay in Seattle, and then go somewhere like Hawaii, New York, and a lil bit of the beautiful Mexico... It will happen... there are always opportunities, you just have to take them. (Sad that's coming from me... Miss Miss-Opportunity-All-The-Time)

Not to worry, I am a changing person every day with everything that comes my way, and there is always time to do anything that you want to do in life. I've been one to learn how holding yourself back works. We are awesome beings that have so much potential... Why shy away from the newness of opportunities? Isn't this experience what I'm here for? So, again, I'm making a public statement so that I can hold myself accountable to everyone who reads this blog: I'm gonna getter done.

If wishes were fishes...

Today, I had one of those experiences at one of those places when you look in the mirror and are just disgusted with what you see... and of course, every flaw on your body seems like it's magnified by every ray of light that passes over it... some things look stretched and fattened... and you can't help but feel self-conscious, even though you're by yourself, and become embarrassed for noticing? Where was I? ...You've guessed it... but no, not looking into one of those circus mirrors... I was in the Nordstrom dressing room today. Not a pretty site... in my eyes at least. That small glimpse made me wish so badly that I could change my appearance by my own will instantaneously. That every flaw be magicked away by mind power, and that I could look in the mirror and see what my definition of "healthy" and "desirable" was. To have clean, pure skin. To glow with a healthy sun-tan and not be so pale and blotchy looking. To have a body that could be featured on Fitness Magazine. To have a very chiseled facial bone-structure. So guess what... the "I wish" syndrome that I've just described is something that, I'm sure, everyone, at least every girl, has had in concern to body image at some point. So, although this small episode of depression in my self-esteem occurred today, I have developed a plan to bring endorphins in to play!

There was a time when I thought that running an entire mile with out getting winded afterward would be impossible for me. Today, I report that with Metabolife it IS POSSIBLE! Hooray for the S.O.O.S.A (Seriously Out Of Shape Asthmatic) aka Me. I have run three 15 minute miles this week, without the huff and puff at the end... ok, jogs, not runs, but... I AM proud! Although I must credit the bulk of stamina and energy to the Metabolife, I would definitely submit that new workout music is a strong factor as well. Never in my little mind did I imagine that I'd catch myself with a ridiculously large grin on my face while on a treadmill...twas absurd! This small start is the commencement of what I hope to be a life-long practice of good exercise habits that have not already been implemented into my life on a regular basis. The goal is to be in incredible shape when I'm 40, 50, 60... and how ever long I decided to stick around before sky-diving without a parachute. We're looking long-term here. Consider this post my public statement. No longer will I allow myself to become fat with wishes. After all, Grandpa had a saying: If wishes were fishes we'd all have a fry, and if horse-(poop) were biscuits we'd eat till we die!

Monday... Tuesday... Wednesday...

Definitely had a very productive and eventful week.

Monday: School and Work. Meh.

Tuesday: Day off. Went to my painting class, went home, painted some more. Studied for my Biology test, went to Institute for a little, took the Biology test and increased my grade from the last test by 10%... awesome! Afterward, I ventured over to Jenny Troxel's (in the singles ward) home to participate in a weekly gospel discussion group called "Preach My Gospel" The discussions are taken from the missionary handbook, Preach My Gospel, where we all talk about a gospel related topic and build one another up. About 20 singles attend each week and I find it to be a very educating and uplifting activity! We discussed how to develop Christ-like attributes and why it's important to marry someone who has those attributes etc. Really good Tuesday!

Time OUT!> There was a brief moment when I began to lack self-esteem and found myself engaged in some very brutal negative self talk. At that very moment my phone notified me that I had received a new email message. It was from Whitney and contained a little quote that I just had to share!:

"Our deepest fear is not that w are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

Wednesday: Started at about 2am hugging the toilet. bleh. I remained there until about 5am... then forced myself to get up and go to school to turn in mandatory assignments, take no-make-up quizzes, and cram in an Astronomy test. I was nauseated all day and ended up calling into work sick and just slept on the couch at home.

Thursday (favorite day of this last week for sure!): Had my painting class again, went to work form 10:30 to 3:30, went home and finally got ready for the day... painted some more... and then at 7, Whitney came over! I was just so excited! I've missed Whitney so much and having her again was just a straight up treat! We went to WalMart and shopped for some ingredients to make fajitas for ourselves. So delicious!

Then had kiwis and frozen white chocolate raspberry yogurt for dessert. It was so good to just catch up with each other that it made my whole week!


Friday: Went to Biology in the morning, and then saw Ashlee and Jessica Baker at school. I hadn't seen Ashlee in a long while and Jessica in YEARS so I spent the rest of the school day bumming with them in the cafeteria and running errands with Ashlee. It was another wonderful catch up day!... and then I went to work. Meh. BUT I did get work off early... I hurried home and was able to have a fun movie night with the family and make a good attempt at starting my lesson.

Saturday: Slept in. Perf. Ran off to work until 9pm, then came home and continued to read through my lesson... it was on Genesis 24-29 about Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau... and all the blessings of the Birthright and Eternal Marriage.

Today (Sunday): The time change for Daylight Savings was hard, but turned out okay. I thoroughly enjoyed church! The topic in the Sacrament Meeting was Faith, and then I taught my lesson for the Sunday School, and then adjourned to Relief Society and had lessons on the Fall of Adam and the importance of regular scripture study. I am "finished" with another painting, but, I'm sure my professor will think differently, I'll post that as soon as I have a final word.
Tomorrow is Dad's 58th birthday! We had the family over for cake and ice cream and singing and playing... I love family gatherings so much... and I seriously can NOT, CAN not believe that Daddy is already 58! I'm too young for that! but... what can we do? Life is just moving too fast sometimes... I really don't ever want to be 21... or even 20 actually. I think I'll just be 19 again this year...

So Far...So Good...

I have come to the absolute conclusion that life is simply wonderful. I am in love with everything about being alive and having new experiences and feelings every day.

This semester, I have had the blessing of developing a new talent in a beginning painting class. I have posted my favorites below, beginning with the first and ending with the most recent. The last two were not assigned in class, but done as extracurricular enjoyment.

11 x 16

11x16



12x16



8x10



12x12

I think I have discovered that I LOVE painting...even if what I've done has been fairly mediocre, I'm still quite proud of myself! I can't wait to sit down and create companion pieces for each of them!

Other things that I've loved about this year: Learning to play guitar (like 5 chords really). Teaching a Gospel Doctrine class in my singles ward. Going to school full time and making all kinds of new friends, as well as seeing the old. Temple dates with Beckie. Going to dinner/institute with my besties every week (either Ashlee, Merissa, or Beckie or combos...Whitney has class=Blah) Being included in Merissa's wedding plans. Reconnecting with my cousin Shanny. Finding sales at Target! (even though I really really really really really miss Nordstrom... working part-time just doesn't allow for those kind of expenses... but it is helping with the whole "save money" factor).

The one thing I've HATED this year: I honestly have only seen Whitney about 3 times in the past 2 and a 1/2 MONTHS! ...the last time was a month ago. Woof... and a half...+ a half...= Double Woof. wah wah wah...

The dating scene has been awful for a while, but I am not bothered by it at all surprisingly... Yes, I have had a couple of dating horror stories come true in the past month, but, I find myself practically optimistic in regards to the future... how weird. Inside, I'm laughing out loud. I love being single: this has been a very productive, independent, and great time so far. I do not think that anything could possibly disrupt how happy I am with my state of being at this point in time; unless, by some chance, my missing puzzle piece person comes into the picture. That would not be desirable. Life is too good to add someone else to the equation... for now...

Like I said: So Far...So so Good!

It's all about those tan, Jessica Simpson flats...

On nights like this, I find myself exhausted but very awake with all the thoughts and feelings from the day replaying in my mind. I think about those I associated with, those I should have talked to, things I want to do better, things I love about others in addition to what annoys me.... and then upon being annoyed with them, think about their good qualities and remind myself that I shouldn't be so judgmental. This quiet conversation has been rambling on and on, and I have now found myself wanting to share some of the pieces here... that maybe, just a simple thought that has provoked me to change, might inspire another as well.
When I first plunged under the covers, I looked over to my right to review my closet and select an outfit for the next day... the whole while thinking of all the wonderfully expensive pretty things in the Nordstrom catalog that I wish I had. I looked over the skirts, dresses, shirts, pants and small pile of shoes trying to organize pieces into a coordinating ensemble. As I calculated each article of clothing, picturing the finished product in my head, I realized that I had been pairing things with a pair of shoes that I do not own... and upon realizing this, my immediate thought was, "Well, it looks like I need to buy those..." Hold on. I NEED to buy them? My thought process suddenly turned from choosing an outfit to the lesson I had taught earlier today in the Gospel Doctrine class about how to live righteously in a wicked world... In the lesson, I encouraged members of the class to think about the things they have in their lives that may prevent their progression in becoming more Christ-like. It has now dawned on me that sometimes, I really do set my heart on worldly things that will simply not last. Fashion, as much as I love the pretty things, is my weakness, and there have been times, admittedly, that Anniversary sales, shoes, jeans, FreePeople and Juicy Couture have gotten the best of me and postponed my other financial responsibilities... which is definitely something that is not blessed. Although this may seem to be a very trivial and frivolous thing, it is by small things that we are brought down... The beginning of the Devil's wedge so to speak.
It's my guess that my thought train was semi-productive tonight... Although, I've always known that I've had a soft spot for clothing, this realization has just put it all into perspective for me... finally.

Psht. Darn shoes!

Getting Started...

I was surprised at how difficult this whole "setting up your blog" thing is... do you know how many times I had to sit here and think about my domain name? It seemed that everything I thought was clever, or even just using my actual name was just not original enough. With each attempt to proceed to the next step, a little warning in little red letters would reject each new idea (well, new to me, others just beat me to them). Apparently I'm NOT the only "lily jayne" out there... even with the weird spelling. Wah wah wah... so, thus begins the blogging of "eliza lily jayne"...stay tuned if you wanna.